This list is me taking a general pot shot at no bar or area in particular rather it’s a rundown of the annoying things you can encounter on a tour of Bangkok’s chrome pole palaces that can easily spoil the fun and put a dampener on your night out.
Generally I don’t come across many of the problems listed below in my usual haunts but I always try to stick my head in places I don’t visit often to see what’s what and this is usually when the things I hate about go-go bars raise their ugly head.
#1 Unfriendly Doormen
Far too many of these guys studied at the school of no smiles or manners which for me is no use. They are the first faces many see as they enter a bar and a dour faced doorman who looks like he’s ready to rumble at any opportunity is not a welcoming sight.
It’s time to have those burly bouncers turn those frowns upside down.
#2 Car Alarm Techno
After making your way past the bouncer who looks like he is chewing a wasp and head through the curtain the last thing I want to hear is that Thai car alarm techno crap so many bars insist on playing.
I’ve been here before and I’m not going to go on like a broken record, pardon the pun, but the sooner bar owners realise they should be catering to their customers and not the moody maidens on stage the better.
#3 Sour Faced Staff
With the earplugs in place to drown out that drivel the “DJ” is knocking out and a seat has been found what we should see next is a smiling service chick to take the drinks order.
What you don’t want to be looking at is a scowling face that is desperate to get back to her phone or food which is far too often the case.
#4 Bad Service
Two beers and two vodka mixers is something a three year old could memorise but for some wait staff a simple 4 drink order is the stuff of scientists. Notepads and pens don’t seem to have made it into the bar world yet despite being sold for pennies at every 7-Eleven.
And when the beer does arrive it should be cold. ICE COLD. Not something hot enough to poach an egg with.
#5 Watching The Skytrain Shuffle
Go-Go Bar. Stage. Lights. Music. Girls. Sexy Outfits. Dancing.
It should be captivating, right? Of course it should but sadly what you often get is the Skytrain Shuffle.
Girl holds pole, moves just one leg by bending it at the knee and every minute or so you might get lucky and she will move her foot four inches from side to side.
Seriously, you can see more action on the BTS when it hits a bend or brakes a bit too hard than this excuse for dancing.
#6 Ladyboys In The Lineup
Another one I’ve covered here before that I’m not going to bore you with again and one I’m still waiting for an answer to.
I know, it will never come but I live in hope that one day someone, somewhere will explain the thinking behind this crazy concept.
#7 Mooching Mamasans
These big old boilers hover around trying to milk that money tit for lady drinks annoyingly asking you to buy another within 30 seconds of your girls glass being emptied while at the same time trying to snare one for themselves.
Sorry love, that’s just not gonna happen unless you are chatty, friendly and doing something to make my night better but bugging me for booze is most definitely not going to do that so take you big ole ass elsewhere and give me peace.
#8 Daft Drink Rules
Two drinks for this, three drinks for that… be it for a dancer to join you during her routine or how many lady drinks you need to buy before you can even barfine her.
Some bar owners are just as bad as the girls seeing customers as nothing more than walking ATMs.
#9 Crazy Barfine Prices
This has come up more and more of late as the number of bars increasing their base barfine rate spreads like a disease with 1,200 becoming an all too common starting price for a regular go-go dancer.
For me a 1,200 baht barfine is a physiological thing. It just sounds greedy. Ask for 900 baht and I wouldn’t bat an eye.
The 1k mark is a threshold many are not willing to cross and if bars want to keep losing loot to Line hookups that is their choice, not mine but that’s exactly what’s happening as guys are often giving the girl a little extra for some afternoon action before she gets to work meaning the bar loses out in more ways than one.
#10 No Tip Tantrums
So you’ve spent a couple of thousand baht, bought a few drinks and it’s time to be on your way as you’re not handing over 1,200 baht to barfine what could potentially be a starfish.
Then out of nowhere hands start pulling on bra tops and arms stretched out with requests for tips rolling off the lips of the little lady you’ve just bought a couple drinks for, her pal who couldn’t even crack a smile and the sulking service chick who got your order wrong.
9 times out of 10 it’s a case of dream on ladies, you’ve had your fair share of my hard earned and calling me a cheap prick in Thai just goes in one ear and out the other. If they hadn’t been so greedy I’d probably have given them a little bit of something if I’d had a good time.
See you when you see me… and off I go.
Have you got something else to add to the list that you hate about go-go bars?
I’m certain the non-smokers would have puffing punters in their top 10 somewhere or the naughty boys who enjoy bars that flash some flesh cursing the coyotes in their short shorts and vest tops.
Shoot me an email and let me know – email@example.com