Did you miss me? Sorry, Budget Bobby has been busy exploring a new frontier in his Fight for Frugalness: Online dating.
Well, not online “dating” so much as online hookups, AKA Tinder. After all, what is better than 100-baht “handshakes” and 1,000-baht bangs at the bar than free sex? Of course, it’s not totally free, as you have to actually talk to these wolves in sheep’s clothing – maybe even buy them dinner – but at least you’re not forking out that last few purple scraps from your wallet in the morning.
This was at least the premise when I signed up for Tinder for the first time ever. (Yeah, I’m late to this game I realise, but frankly, paying the girls to leave in the morning always has seemed easier than paying just to get to know them.)
I say it was the premise because I quickly discovered that Tinder in Thailand is not what it’s cracked up to be back in The Real World. Well, at least not for the geriatric set. For months I’ve been watching Son of Stickboy wiggle his little finger right and left, match up with some 22-year-old tarts in schoolgirl uniforms and end up shagging them silly after maybe three days of Line foreplay.
For the over-40 set, it’s a bit more complicated. And don’t even get me started on the ageist, borderline-illegal, human-rights-violating price structure of Tinder Plus, which gives young-dumb-and-full-of-you-know hard-ons like Son of Stickboy the premium service for third of the price of us desperate, Viagra-dependent grandfathers.
If you’ve spent your last 10 years as the Sexiest Man on Soi 6, Tinder is a huge ego buster. You quickly realise that none of Son of Stickboy’s fluff isn’t going to swipe right on your wrinkly arse. I’ve developed muscles upon muscles in my right forefinger, yet the youngest online Octopussy I’ve matched up with is 29 years old (twice), which I’m actually pretty proud of, even if one of them was a Hooters Girl-wannabe using Tinder to sell her muffin online.
So once you’ve come to terms with the fact the only right-swipes you’ll get are from single mothers in their 30s and 40s, you’ve got to deal with the Thai Tinder’s other pitfalls, the main one being…
Thai Tinder is simply infested with boys in bonnets. The service truly needs three categories: “I’m looking for… a) Women, b) Men, c) Cocks in Frocks.” It would make things so much simpler, but since Tinder is based in the US, its uber-PC owners would never dare say that transgender women are not real women. Of course in Thailand, we know better, usually after some Chang-fuelled nightmare in a seedy upstairs short-time room. (Not speaking personally, of course…)
If you’re into Speed Tinder, like the Stick-Offspring, your chances of matching up with men in tights is significantly greater than if you tap the photo and check the profile. Fair enough, the majority of these wannabe women ID themselves as having extra parts. But I’d guess a third have deluded themselves into thinking they’re so genuinely female that they don’t need to disclose the truth in advance.
It doesn’t help that some of the kateoys posing for pinups on Tinder are, I have to admit, pretty damn hot. You tell me which of these three Tinderellas were born female?
The answer? None of them.
Once you’ve determined that your swiping sweetheart is, in fact, female, you then have to plough your way through the hookers, both the upfront, “I’m too lazy/fat/old to work in the bar anymore so I flog my fanny online” kind or the less-scrupulous gold diggers.
I thought I had a good thing going with one very attractive 38-year-old. After a few days of chatting, she begins the sob story about how her Toyota broke down and she paid 12,000 baht to fix it because she has to drive to work and now she has only 100 baht until the end of the month, and it’s now only the 8th.
I told her I’d love to help, but, hell sister, I’ve only been chatting with your for less than a week and not even met you in person.
She then offered to come see me in my apartment that night – right now if I wanted – if I could “help” her. But she could only stay a little while.
Swipe exit stage left.
In fact, I’ve matched up with a number of office girls or supposed small-business owners who offered massage, escort and outright sex for a price. The thing is, none of them could hold a candle to the 19-year-old naked hardbody available five minutes away at Crazy House. And they wanted at least 50% more for their services.
Unmatch, delete from Line.
Finally, you have to deal with Single Mom Syndrome. Now Budget Bobby is not stranger to single moms. Most of the go-go bars are stocked with them. But these women, usually age 35+, all state in their profiles “no hookups. No one night stands”. They want a good man to take care of them and their babies. The problem is they’re often flat broke, work stupid hours and have no time anyway. For me, there has been the:
• Professional, legit masseuse (really) who works seven days a week 12.30pm to 11pm, right through Songkran.
• The cosmetics seller at Central Embassy who works six days a week until 9.30pm.
• The street market food seller who goes to bed six nights a week at 10pm so she can get up at 3.30am. Then she washes dishes on her “day off” for three hours for 150 baht.
On a sober note, it shows how poor many Thais still are amid all the social media bollocks about Benzes and Instagram millionaires. But if you’re out there to get laid on Thai Tinder, it’s too much drama to endure.
So did Budget Bobby hook up? Does a Baccara girl stick her fingers down her throat nightly so she can drink more tequila shots? Of course, he did.
No kids. No male genitalia. Not a hooker. But not a looker either. This girl was a bit of a “big unit” and no photos will be forthcoming, but she was a very “well connected” 40-year-old who never had an imported sausage, nor recently enjoyed any type of sausage, for that matter. The three-round, all-night session may be a one-time-only affair, but the contact info could come in handy later.
But fear not kiddies, after a week of serious effort, Thai Tinder did get better for Budget Bobby. But you’ll have to tune in next week for that story.
Send your comments, questions or tips to Budget Bobby here: BudgetBobbyTH@gmail.com