This list of things NOT to do when you’ve had a skinful could include venturing into a ladyboy bar “just for a look”, arguing with a crazy cab driver over 10 baht, delving into some seriously spicy somtam, getting a tattoo at some dodgy parlour late at night and a lengthy list of illegal activities that are best left unsaid.
But that’s not what I’ve put together for this list of 5 things not to do when you’re blotto in Bangkok. No, what I have done here is compile a list of five dumbass stunts I’ve pulled over the years that I can talk about.
Yeah, there’s plenty that didn’t make the list as I don’t want to incriminate myself or go naming and shaming the not so innocent.
5. Bring a bar girl you’ve just met home for a threesome with your girlfriend
At 2am it seemed a great idea knowing my cute, younger gf had a thing for the ladies but the reality was somewhat different when I opened the door with a sexy strumpet on my arm.
The lady lovefest and threesome I dreamed of remained a figment of my imagination and it wasn’t to be.
Thankfully there were no fireworks, just a look of disgust for me and a smile for my new friend and the episode was never mentioned again once they had a quick chat, a munch of some somtam and a cab was called.
4. Drink with the taxi and tuk tuk drivers on Sukhumvit Road
Having worked on Sukhumvit for a couple of years I knew the usual band of crazy cab drivers who’d line up outside Bully’s night after night looking for anyone willing to pay their inflated prices.
On quiet nights the head of this particular taxi mafia would take me for the 100 baht I was willing to give him for my ride home but over a few months they changed their tune and one would take me every night leading me to get to know a fair few of them.
No longer working I didn’t see them so often until one rare night when I was having an early one and heading for Phloen Chit BTS I heard a voice call out from just inside Soi 2. I looked to see the main man sat with a bunch of guys boozing.
I wander over and exchange the usual pleasantries with my old China. He waves for me to sit and hands me a bottle of Leo. How can I say no? That would have been rude of me.
So there I am at 10pm sat with Chai and his pals who are a mix of taxi and tuk tuk drivers. Food arrives, as does more beer and so we eat and drink.
I wakened up in the back of a tuk tuk at 5am outside my local 7-Eleven holding a large Leo. Snoozing next to me was one of my new mates. He came to and drove me down the road to my condo and it was the mother of all hangovers.
I have no recollection of anything after midnight. Lesson learned, don’t drink with those boys again.
3. Pop four Kamagra in 90 minutes
I’ve covered this dumbfuckery before, click the link below for the full story.
TL;DR Downed 4 fake Kamagra in a couple of hours and had a cock like a crowbar for 4 days.
2. Sleep with your girlfriends two sisters
Now one was a genuine mistake to begin with. I came home pissed and climbed into the wrong bed and before you know it the spooning had turned into something far more intimate.
No innocent parties in this story as I realised when the hand grabbed my tackle it wasn’t my missus but I went with the flow as one does when you’ve had a few over the limit.
There was a repeat performance a week or so later but there were no more sexy shenanigans with sister number 1 because I was red carded within a few days after getting caught with my dick in sister number 2 by sister number 1 who was on the phone instantly to my girlfriend to spill the beans before I’d even pulled it out.
As for sister number 2 that was no accident. She was sexy AF, cute as pie and had an ass to die for. My missus was at home and I was in bed sick so she sent her sister over to take care of me while she was away.
She was the best nurse on the planet for three days despite me being back to full fitness within 24 hours of her arrival with a friend – who was sent packing after a few hours of flirting.
Yes, I know I’m weak, but we all have our faults.
1. Going home hammered and telling your wife you’ve got a bit on the side
The entertaining start to this story is the fact I wakened up the following day with no recollection of my confession and my other half going out for the afternoon without cracking a light before she left.
It wasn’t until later when we went to bed she showed me a photo of a woman on her phone and asked did I know her to which I instantly replied yes, that’s blah blah. Only then did she mention what had went on 24 hours before.
Rewinding a couple of days I knew something was wrong, I didn’t know what but something wasn’t right which was confirmed by my missus showing me the photo of the woman I’d been seeing.
As it went my gut feeling was right when a friend of a friend passed on my extra marital antics the morning after I’d opened my drunken mouth and let my belly rumble.
Right or wrong I’m glad it was me who told my missus and not her finding out from some sticky beak with eff all better to do with their time than medal in my marriage.
It’s still a sore point to this day as playing the field usually always ends after a few hours of fun and no contact whatsoever. Now I’m under suspicion of going back for second helpings with the “other” woman every time I go for a few beers with the boys.
Ah well, only myself, and the booze, to blame for this and all the other sticky situations I get myself into.
As for that old saying, “You live and learn”. Don’t know why but that doesn’t seem to work for me…